Ever hear the saying, elephants don’t bite? The point is it’s the mosquito that buzzes and bothers us. If we’re not careful, seemingly small roadblocks in marriage can easily become major setbacks and it is always easier to push through a roadblock than return from a setback. It’s a lot more affordable tackling issues early too! So, what are some common marital roadblocks and how can we keep them from becoming major setbacks? I’m glad you asked!
When you buy through my links, I may earn money from my affiliate partners. Learn more.
Don’t Let Roadblocks in Marriage Become Setbacks!
I guarantee you will encounter roadblocks in marriage.
We’re people.
And people have rough edges.
We have preconceived notions.
Lots of expectations.
And tend to be naturally selfish.
But knowing roadblocks exist and becoming better at identifying them is truly half the battle.
Here’s 5 roadblocks you’re likely to experience and what you can do about them.
1. Viewing Your Spouse as Competition
Competition can be healthy. It drives us to push harder, dig deeper, and overcome our own limiting beliefs.
But competition with our spouse is a no-fly zone.
We’re not talking about trying hard on the pickle ball courts or making them earn that win at chess.
Toxic competitiveness happens when we see our victory as more important than our spouse’s well-being.
If you’ve never been on the wrong side of competition, let me lay it out for you.
Let’s say you and your spouse are playing a friendly game of basketball. You’re taller. You’re bigger. You used to ball for your alma mater.
Let’s also say your spouse just wants to have fun and get a little exercise in.
It doesn’t take a genius to see how this ball game will play out if you don’t simmer down your desire to win. Recovering every rebound, making every shot, stealing the ball every chance you get, and spinning a bit to hard with your elbows and shoulders will quickly result in a quiet (or not so quiet) ride home.
There’s really only one competitive landscape husbands and wives should go all out in…showing honor.
“Outdo one another in showing honor.”
Romans 12:10b
If we’re going to compete with our spouse, let it be in loving each other and our children as well as we possibly can, and show them as much honor as possible. Anything beyond that can easily cultivate strife and bitterness in our marriage and eventually dissolve into a major setback.
2. Looking for Blame and Shame
Yes, yes, yes, we all know. Someone did it. Someone is at fault.
I’ll tell you a secret though.
It doesn’t matter!
What matters is two people striving to give and serve and love their spouse as much as possible.
Looking for someone to blame and then piling on the shame doesn’t help anyone.
I’ve been married a hair shy of 10 years. Sure, that’s nothing to some but quite a bit to others.
I can tell you from experience focusing on the “who did it and why” has never helped my marriage at all.
What has helped is just fixing the problem or owning up to it.
Also, we need to be very careful with shaming our spouse.
If we create an environment of perfection, it tends not to create a perfect spouse. Instead, it creates an environment where a spouse is afraid to be open, honest, and transparent.
With shame, people hide. People run. People don’t fess up.
The accusations of making sure to blame your spouse when they mess up and then hold that against them will create nearly invisible roadblocks in marriage.
You may not know why you two aren’t talking as much as before.
Or you may wonder why the romance has all but shriveled and died.
It’s a good change the invisible roadblock is blame and shame.
And if you don’t address it and choose healthier options of conflict management, you’ll be well on your way to a major marriage setback that needs professional counseling or an intervention to fix.
If you take anything away from this section, remember this passage of scripture:
“Or do you presume on the riches of his kindness and forbearance and patience, not knowing that God’s kindness is meant to lead you to repentance?”
Romans 2:4
Loving kindness changes people. Wrath just hurts them and pushes them away.
3. Thinking Your Spouse Can Read Your Mind
Your spouse can’t read your mind.
Let me say that again.
Your spouse can’t read your mind!
It doesn’t matter how long you’ve been married and how hard you are thinking about what you want.
Your spouse can’t read your mind!
In her article, Three Major Roadblocks in Relationships, Jennifer Williams writes “Communicate what you need and want in order to feel loved…And learn about your partner’s love language to understand exactly what helps them feel loved best.”
The best thing husbands and wives can do (especially wives), is tell their spouse what they want.
Using my own marriage as an example, clarity is powerful.
As a husband, I have a powerful desire to give my wife the world. I want her to feel loved, cherished, accepted, honored, and appreciated.
If I know what she would like done around the house, I want to do it!
If I know what she needs from the store, I want to get it!
If I know what she is looking for from me in a given moment, I want to be it!
But even after nearly 10 years of marriage, I’m only slightly better at guessing than I was when we were just dating.
Marriage is hard, y’all, and if you’ve been married more than a few months you know it’s true!
Do your spouse a favor and communicate clearly with them about your beliefs, desires, wants, needs, ideas, even fears.
The more a loving spouse knows about you, the better they can love you.
Consider checking out Love & Respect by Dr. Emerson Egerichs. It’s a great read for you and your spouse to explore ways to fulfill each others needs.
4. Becoming Distant or Detached
It is so incredibly easy to fade away.
With technological distractions at our fingertips, demanding jobs that shatter our boundaries, and environmental pressures distracting us from the things we cherish most, it’s no wonder people often struggle with being present.
Have you ever seen a couple at a restaurant where both of them were engrossed in their phones?
What about a woman chatting to her husband while he’s zoned on watching a game?
People fade naturally. We get distracted naturally. Our minds and bodies often choose the path of least resistant, least effort, and maximum chemical feel-good.
Without intentional effort, we will choose cheep thrills and quick fixes every time.
But that kind of lazy lifestyle only leads to unhealthy distance between spouses which will (not can) become a breeding ground of growing apart.
Want to know the cure? It’s intentional presence. It’s proactive, determined effort to engage no matter the apparent cost.
What I’ve found over the years is if you love and respect your spouse with your attention and presence, you’ll be able to have needed moments of rest and relaxation.
No, watching the game isn’t bad.
And no, surfing on your phone isn’t either (at least not all the time).
The problem is letting those types of things become more important than having a deep and regular connection with your spouse.
And when distance grows and presence is all but gone, people tend to say things like “We don’t even know each other anymore.”
That is how you know the marriage roadblock of detachment has become a marital setback.
5. Placing Children on a Pedestal
I believe every good parent should think their kids are amazing. Wonderful. The best even.
But priorities out of place is a disaster not just with your spouse, it’s harmful for the kids too.
As a father of three still-little ones, I deal with this roadblock all the time. It’s very hard not to make my world revolve around my children.
Let’s face it. Kids need a LOT.
They need love, encouragement, time, guidance, fun, presence, teaching, role modeling, discipline, a friend, a playmate, a wrestle buddy, a cheerleader, a homework helper, a bed maker, a clothes changer, and a zillion other things.
You’re not alone if you feel like your kids can’t go more than a few minutes without causing or getting ready to cause damage.
Kids just need a lot and they’re designed that way. It’s normal. It’s good. And lots of time and energy spent on and with your kids is a very wonderful thing.
But, it can become too much.
I frequently struggle in the space between giving kids or my wife all my attention. It often seems like neither can get the right amount without the other not getting what they need.
There is a very healthy order of things though and if you honor your spouse first before the children, they are typically in the best possible place to then also help and be present with the kids.
I won’t sit here and tell you to just snap your fingers and it’ll all work out.
It’s a bit messy. I believe the most realistic answer in prioritizing your spouse over your children is actually a tug of war. It’s a give and take.
Some days or hours your kids will need all of you.
And then moments later your spouse might need all of you.
If you’re unwilling to sway back and forth, simply trying your best to be where you are needed and engage where you can, your priorities can easily hinder relationship development with one or both parties.
However, the reverse is very true. I’ve found that if you try your best to take care of your spouses needs first, and then take care of the children’s needs, both your spouse and children will feel very loved and cherished.
You may never feel like you’re giving either enough, but it will work out.
Like me, you may find many moments where, when prioritizing your spouse, your spouse actually tells you to just take care of the kids. In these moments, you are magically loving both of them at the same time and your effort and time is amplified.
Some people find it helpful thinking about what life will be like after kids are grown and gone.
If all goes well, it’ll be a lot like it was before kids came about.
The goal therefor should be to give children what they want and need to feel loved and supported without being at the expense to loving and taking care of your spouse.
If this content spoke to you, consider doing these 3 things:
- Leave a comment below and tell me if you’ve dealt with any of these common marriage roadblocks and what you’ve done to keep them from becoming a major setback.
- Subscribe to my newsletter so you get more content just like this delivered right to you. I hate spam too, so I’ve made my newsletter a 1-click unsubscribe at any time you change your mind. Encouragement and insight will be in your inbox for FREE!
- Share this message with your social network, friends, or family. All of us can become better spouses and build strength and unity in the home.
